The beginning of something beautiful .......

I was so drowsy on the way home from the hospital that I could barely function. I remember that I had not taken enough for my stomach to be pumped, but it was enough to knock me out of whack for a few days. I felt extremely nauseated and hitting bumps on the car ride home did not help one bit. My head pounded from the dehydration of my body trying as hard as it might to pump out all the toxic crap I had consumed. Mentally and physically drained. The doc had advised my parents to set me up with a psychologist. Great. They are the ones who screw up pushing me to do the ultimate thing you just don't do and I was the one who was crazy. Awesome. Looking out of the window on the way home I remember thinking Why?! Why are all these stupid people grinning with their stupid faces living their stupid happy lives?! What kind of a life is it when you don't have the one that makes your heart sing by  your side? Wait....they probably have no clue. They don't know what it feels like to experience true love only given by some divine spirit much bigger anything they could fathom. I experienced it. I knew what it felt like to love someone so deeply that it physically hurt not being around them. I knew all too well. And it hurt so bad.....The pain cut deeply into my soul like a knife with a deeply serrated edge slicing my heart in two and ripping me to shreds... And the only other person who understand exactly how it felt was in immense pain as well. I could feel his aching heart within our spiritual connection and this only added to my anger and frustration. At this point in time, though only 15 years old, I promised myself that one day no matter what, even if I had to lie my tail off-I WOULD be back in his arms for he was mine and I was his. You don't just give up on the love of your life. When we pulled in the driveway I went straight into my room, got under the covers of my bed and replayed our good memories over and over........

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The beginning of a beautiful love

"OH MY GOD! Did he just call you his girlfriend?!" exclaimed my friend Bree as we walked into gym class that morning.

"What are you talking about? I thought you guys were a couple?" I replied.

She looked at me like a deer caught in headlights and shook her head no way. "He's my friend. I have known Joseph for a long time. He's super sweet but I already have a boyfriend and I don't like him like that. You mean you never talked to him before? He totally just called you  his girlfriend" she giggled.

Crap!!!!!! I thought. I remember meeting him once before when my friend Jessica introduced us a few days prior to that. But that was it! It was only a hi nice to meet you my name is Joseph kind of thing....then we went on about our separate ways to class. He never once asked for my number or talked much more than that. I do remember him staring into me deeply as if he could see right through my soul but I shrugged it off at the time. Wait now that I think about it....crap!!! He was totally checking me out. Why am I so naive?! Who does that? Who walks up to someone and hugs you and your friend at the same time and says:
 "I got my girl on one side and my friend on the other. Life is great" That's no way to ask someone out!

 Then I knew as soon as the bell rang to switch classes I had to find Jessica and straighten this mess out.  But when the bell rang and my friends walked out of the gym, he was right there......... I walked past him thinking ok he must be waiting for Bree. Nope, wrong answer. He grabbed my hand and walked me to my next class. I just looked at him and in my mind I screamed ok what the heck are you doing dude?! My creative arts teacher saw all of this as he dropped me off and I could see the perplexed look on her face.......you see he was a senior and I was a freshman......but I'm sure that wasn't the only reason it startled her.

As soon as the bell rang to get out of that class there he was again standing against the ugly yellow mustard colored lockers waiting for me. Dear lord he was magnificent. He had taken his shirt off by now and was only wearing one of those sleeveless undershirts and he always seemed to be wearing workout gloves, which I thought was totally weird. He was muscular and strong. I had learned later that he was a huge martial arts fan and also lifted weights all the time hence why he wore those gloves all the time. This was no boy. He was a man, a 17 year old freaking man, and that scared me. Not only was he much older, but he was a lot more mature than I was. You could tell he had been through many rough experiences by the way he carried himself. His soul was old but I didn't mind. He was different than anyone I had ever met and it intrigued me. I wanted to know more about him.....much more....

By this time it was lunch time for me, but he had band practice thank goodness. I was determined to find Jessica and see what the deal was and why this guy was so entranced by me. It took awhile but I finally found her sitting at an isolated table in the lunch room. Jessica was older than me by 2 years. I calmly sat at the table and proceeded with caution, "Um....why is Joseph basically stalking me after class? I just met him like yesterday and he called me his girlfriend in front of everyone and I had no clue what he was talking about. Now he is following me to class, carrying my books, and trying to hold my hand. Is this a joke? My parents can not find out about this."

Jessica couldn't believe what I had just said, "Wait what?! He called you his girlfriend? Wow he must really like you."

"Who is this guy Jess? Geez, he didn't even ask me out, he just claimed me..........like I was a piece of property. That's not cool."

"Wait a minute here," she retorted. "He is a great guy. He has been trying to talk to me for a long time but I look at him as an older brother. His heart has been trampled on and I think you are the person to fix that. Trust me, he is really nice."

Crap are you serious? Did she just pawn some guy off on me because she didn't want to date him? Great now what am I going to do. I don't want to hurt his feelings especially since Jessica just said he had been hurt. I had my own issues to deal with. UGH! But he is kind of cute and for some reason I think I already love him. Wait, what was I saying?! People do not fall in love like that......why does my heart love him already. Geez I'm only 14 years old........this can not be happening. I'm supposed to date all kinds of people and THEN fall in love. Not fall in love and that be the end of it.

"You know my parents will kill me if they ever find out about this?"

"What do you mean?" she stated.

I did not want to answer this question at all but I did, "he is black."

"Yeah so who cares."

"I personally don't care, but my family will have something huge to say about it. I can have black friends, but dating is absolutely forbidden......."   I HATED the words coming out of my mouth. My parents had black friends. My aunt and uncle who I loved so much and considered second parents had black friends. I never understood why it was such a big deal not to date outside your race but apparently to older folks it was a BIG deal......especially growing up in the south...it was like this unsaid thing that you just didn't do.......little did I know at the time I was about to go there....and we would eventually break barriers on both sides of our families that no one dared to.

The bell rang and yep you guessed it.....he found me and walked me to my next class......... How was I going to explain my family issue to him......

A soul dying.......

     It was the death of me.....my soul ripped from my very being. An F-5 tornado could have touched down atop of me and I would not have felt its grip. I would not feel the violent circular winds thrusting my body upon spinning 10-ton heavy duty trucks or the pain of jagged lead pipes ripped from houses piercing my flesh. The numbness of my ailing, shattered, & broken to bits heart would not allow me to feel the crushing blows smashing into my physical body and grinding the bones to dust. Nothing mattered. He mattered. So when he was taken from me, the only person on this earth who made my heart sing a sweet melody, I died. Food was the enemy as it only prolonged the physical body to keep hanging on. Life was a prison with invisible walls and the chains shackled me against my will when all I wanted was to run to him. My love, the man I was supposed to be with indefinitely.
     Hate cannot begin to describe the malice I felt towards those who had a hand in separating us....I abhorred them. Their faces made me sick to my core..... and the thought of three more years in this prison was hell to me, unbearable hell....so I did the unthinkable. The thing no parent ever wanted to believe their precious baby could do. A bottle of pills looked so beautiful. The perfect escape.... my 15 year old mind believed that anyways. If we couldn't be together nothing else mattered and I would take my punishment as God saw fit but I could not deal with these people who birthed me into this once boundless world for one more second. The same people who were supposed to love and support me unconditionally. They disgusted my very being and my freedom was not worth losing him.....
     I picked up the phone immediately to call my friend Kris. He knew how to get in touch with my love. Realizing what I had done..... the pain I would cause the one person who didn't deserve any more pain... stung like wild hornets protecting their nest from intruders. Oh my love.....my love......tell him I'm sorry and I love him and to please forgive me. After that I called my daddy and told him what I had done....he was not pleased at all. Mom rushed me to the hospital. All because I was 15 and he was almost 19...or so they say that's the reason for splitting us up but I knew the real reason.....